Baby Pflanzer #2 is on his/her way! You guys, I can’t even find the words to explain what it feels like to share those words.
Those of you who are familiar with our infertility story, know that our path to parenthood wasn’t the easiest. And I know so many of you are in the thick of such a story line today.
I’ve been hesitant to share our news
To be completely honest with you, knowing how painful it is to be on the receiving end of a pregnancy announcement while waiting to become a mother, kept me from wanting to share this news publicly. I’ve really struggled with it these last several weeks.
When someone else drops a bomb of an announcement while you’re facing infertility, the emotions are nearly impossible to describe.
I remember being on the receiving end of such an announcement once, immediately following another failed round of treatment. We were out in public, and I smiled, said “Oh my gosh! Congratulations!” and immediately made a b-line for the nearest restroom where I proceeded to quitely sob in the stall. Then, I cleaned myself up, and tried to appear as though I hadn’t shed any tears.
That’s a huge part of the infertility story line in our culture: isolation, grief, shame, all while attempting to portray to the world that everything is fine.
The reality of infertility
And for those who have faced infertility head on, you know this roller coaster of emotions that I’m talking about here. There’s this huge wave of excitement for the other person, while simultaneously feeling like your heart is being ripped out. The shame is overwhelming. I kept telling myself, “I should be happy for her!” And that’s the thing: I absolutely was. But, the instant grief of possibly never having a family of my own was overwhelming, and truly, it was uncontrollable.
A friend who is currently battling infertility recently shared this quote with me: “From the outside looking in, you can never understand it. From the inside looking out, you can never explain it.” These words ring so incredibly true. Even close family, friends, and my husband couldn’t understand the deeply raw emotions.
When I’ve explained this to some people, they’ve said, “But, Whitney, you have to the right to be happy and share this news!” And while I wholeheartedly agree, there’s also a large part of my heart that aches for those of you who are reading this and thinking, “Why not me?”
I’m here for you
So, I guess what I’m trying to say is, for many of you reading this, I know you’re hurting. And I want you to know I hear you. And I am HERE for you. It’s this strange feeling to be pregnant, while also feeling like I have one foot in the infertility community because I walked this path for a while. I almost feel like, “Have I lost the right to say anything relating to infertility now that I’m a mom?” It feels a little awkward sometimes, but I want you to know it’s real.
If you’re a mama in waiting, I sincerely pray that stories like mine give you hope. Romans 5:3-4 is the verse I recited to myself over and over again during treatment. It reads: “Suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, character produces hope.”
One thing I learned in my journey to motherhood was that it’s too hard to walk alone. If you’re seeking community, a sounding board, or friendship for your walk, please consider joining my private, closed Facebook group. Nearly 30 women are ready to connect with you, answer your questions and lift you up in your waiting. Please, don’t try to do this on your own.