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We’ve been keeping a secret

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Baby Pflanzer #2 is on his/her way! You guys, I can’t even find the words to explain what it feels like to share those words.

Those of you who are familiar with our infertility story, know that our path to parenthood wasn’t the easiest. And I know so many of you are in the thick of such a story line today.

I’ve been hesitant to share our news

To be completely honest with you, knowing how painful it is to be on the receiving end of a pregnancy announcement while waiting to become a mother, kept me from wanting to share this news publicly. I’ve really struggled with it these last several weeks.

When someone else drops a bomb of an announcement while you’re facing infertility, the emotions are nearly impossible to describe.

I remember being on the receiving end of such an announcement once, immediately following another failed round of treatment. We were out in public, and I smiled, said “Oh my gosh! Congratulations!” and immediately made a b-line for the nearest restroom where I proceeded to quitely sob in the stall. Then, I cleaned myself up, and tried to appear as though I hadn’t shed any tears.

That’s a huge part of the infertility story line in our culture: isolation, grief, shame, all while attempting to portray to the world that everything is fine.

The reality of infertility

And for those who have faced infertility head on, you know this roller coaster of emotions that I’m talking about here. There’s this huge wave of excitement for the other person, while simultaneously feeling like your heart is being ripped out. The shame is overwhelming. I kept telling myself, “I should be happy for her!” And that’s the thing: I absolutely was. But, the instant grief of possibly never having a family of my own was overwhelming, and truly, it was uncontrollable.

A friend who is currently battling infertility recently shared this quote with me: “From the outside looking in, you can never understand it. From the inside looking out, you can never explain it.” These words ring so incredibly true. Even close family, friends, and my husband couldn’t understand the deeply raw emotions.

When I’ve explained this to some people, they’ve said, “But, Whitney, you have to the right to be happy and share this news!” And while I wholeheartedly agree, there’s also a large part of my heart that aches for those of you who are reading this and thinking, “Why not me?”

I’m here for you

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is, for many of you reading this, I know you’re hurting. And I want you to know I hear you. And I am HERE for you. It’s this strange feeling to be pregnant, while also feeling like I have one foot in the infertility community because I walked this path for a while. I almost feel like, “Have I lost the right to say anything relating to infertility now that I’m a mom?” It feels a little awkward sometimes, but I want you to know it’s real.

If you’re a mama in waiting, I sincerely pray that stories like mine give you hope. Romans 5:3-4 is the verse I recited to myself over and over again during treatment. It reads: “Suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, character produces hope.”

One thing I learned in my journey to motherhood was that it’s too hard to walk alone. If you’re seeking community, a sounding board, or friendship for your walk, please consider joining my private, closed Facebook group. Nearly 30 women are ready to connect with you, answer your questions and lift you up in your waiting. Please, don’t try to do this on your own.

Send me a message via Facebook or Instagram, and I’d love to add you. In the meantime, you’re in my prayers, sweet friend. I wholeheartedly pray that my story gives you a glimmer of hope.

14 things I’d tell my pre-mama self

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Life sure is different these days. It’s no exaggeration that having kids completely changes every aspect of your life. While there are some things I certainly miss about the days before mom life began – like the freedom to do whatever at the drop of a hat –  this incredible season of motherhood is my favorite. 

I found myself thinking about those days before Roman, and came up with a list of things I’d tell my pre-mama self: 

  1. Jump out of an airplane – more than once.
    After baby, you’ll be terrified that unsafe choices you and your husband make will leave your child as an orphan. So, leap out of that airplane and enjoy free-fall. When you become a mom, you’ll be on constant alert of things that can be presumed “dangerous.” Just wait til you meet your toddler…
  2. Don’t joke about not wanting..or even liking kids.
    One day you’ll eat those words when the struggle to have them is all too real.
  3. Your boobs are perfect.
    That’s all I’ll say about that.
  4. Sleep in. A lot. And take naps.
    Everyone will tell you this when you’re pregnant. And you’ll smile and say, “I know, I know.” But, you have no idea how much you’ll treasure uninterrupted sleep – for as many hours as you want! The first couple of months of motherhood will nearly kill you with little-to-no sleep, but I promise, you’ll survive. And you’ll feel like you deserve a medal for it.
  5. Stop doubting yourself.
    You’re smarter than you give yourself credit for most days. When you become a mom, every doctor, family member, friend and grandmother at the grocery store will have advice for you. Take it in stride and thank them. But, at the end of the day, you’ll be the best mom your baby needs and your intuition is strong. Own that.
  6. Be more supportive for your pregnant/new mom friends.
    They need you more than you know, even when you can’t relate to what they’re going through. Check in on them often, and lift them up with a visit, by bringing food, or just by listening to them rant. They’ll appreciate it, and you’ll need the same from them later on.
  7. Pray for your husband.
    Focus more on building a firm foundation for your marriage built on your mutual love for Jesus. As expected, your marriage will change when baby arrives, and you will both have your struggles with learning how to parent – while simultaneously being a spouse. Don’t forget to check in on him and encourage him, too.
  8. Work on your short fuse.
    I know, I know. This is a tough one for you. It’s in your DNA. But, there’s nothing that will test your patience more than parenting. Get it together, girl.
  9. Ask more questions at your OB/GYN appointments.
    You are your own best doctor. Don’t settle for little details. Ask why you aren’t having regular periods. Ask what it means for your body and your future plans of having a family. Do your research and ask more questions. You will be better prepared for the journey ahead.
  10. Learn how to slow down.
    I get it. You’re in heads-down, career woman mode. You want to climb that ladder and get that promotion, while volunteering, working late nights, answering emails over the weekend and owning that to-do list. But, take a deep breath in and out every day. You’ll crave for time to stand still when you’re peering into tiny blue eyes and a sweet face that changes every single day.
  11. Treasure your parents.
    They have sacrificed tremendously for you. They have loved you fiercely when you’ve been a teenage terror and an ungrateful brat. One day, when you’re up all night with your baby, it will suddenly hit you just how much they’ve given you…and how endlessly they love you.
  12. You think you love Starbucks and Target now. But, just wait.
    Need I say more?
  13. Sit down for every single meal – and savor every bite.
    After baby, you’ll find yourself sometimes saying, “Oh crap! I forgot to eat.” For real. I know, you’re thinking, “there’s no way I’d ever forget to eat.” But, it’s true, friend. And when you do remember, you’ll find yourself standing at the kitchen island scarfing down scraps of toddler leftovers and calling it “dinner.”
  14. You have so much more to uncover about your true self.
    You will change in so many ways – mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally, when you become a mom. Think you know who you are and what you want in life now? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet, sister. Keep your heart and eyes open for clues to where your path may lead along the way. 

    I’m still new-ish to this whole mom gig, so I want to know: what would you add to this list? What’s one thing you’d tell your pre-mama self? Please share in the comments below.

Read this if you’re thinking of becoming a stay-at-home-mom

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(Image credit: Borshoff, my awesome former employer)

Being a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) was never in my career plan. Like, ever.

I went to college, got a degree in journalism/PR, landed my dream job at a well-respected PR/advertising agency and planned to climb the agency ladder.

After six years at my dream job, I got pregnant after battling infertility. During my pregnancy, my colleagues would ask, “Are you planning to come back to work?”

“Yes, of course!” I would always reply. I was committed to my pursuit of continuing that company climb.

Then, in December 2016, I gave birth to my son, Roman.

You guys, my employer was ah-mazing to me. They allowed me to go part-time after maternity leave and even allowed me to bring my son to work alongside me from three months through six months of age. Like, he actually went to staff meetings, sat with me at my desk, and joined us in the cafe for lunch.

Have you heard of any place with a Bring Your Baby to Work program? Yeah, me neither. 

After maternity leave, I was excited to get back to serving my clients and collaborating my crazy-talented colleagues. So, I got back in the flow of meetings, emails, conference calls and conflict resolution.

Something changed

But, after going back to work, I could feel something stirring in me. There was something that had changed in my heart. But, I was in denial about what it might mean for my life/career goals.

So, I stifled it and kept my head down.

But, the more I tried to quiet the feelings and just get back to work, the more consistent and intense that “tap” on my shoulder became.

It was God. And I knew it.

He was calling me to be at home and to care for my family. But, the problem was, that was never MY plan. So, I was confused. Isn’t it funny how we always think we have a “plan” for how our lives should go?

Let me pause right here and say that I realize so many mothers dream of the opportunity to stay home with their baby. But, for financial and other reasons, it’s just not feasible. And my heart hurts for those of you facing this. For others of you, you have no desire to stay home. I say, do you, mama! You know what’s best for you and your family.

But, I started to realize that I was struggling because I placed myself in a career “box” with a recurring story line that said: “Whitney, your parents sent you to college for four years to land this very career. You’ve worked so hard to get here. You’re excelling and if you quit now, the risks are endless. Your future career opportunities will be nothing short of extremely limited.” To put it simply: In my head, it was a really risky career move.

Continued resistance

After several weeks, the repeated lines of questioning, fear and self-doubt started to surface in the form of tears when I got home from work. That’s when my husband, Alex, and I started having the “what if” conversations. What would happen IF I left my job and stayed home? What IF I didn’t quit? Would I look back ten years from now and regret it either way?

And I started quietly asking myself: What if there is more to my story than this job? What if MORE opportunities are lurking behind a decision to take a risk?

I prayed about it. Tried to stifle it more. “Is this my will – or could it be God’s?” I questioned. And then, when Roman turned seven months old, I just couldn’t keep questioning it any longer.

After praying, long talks with my husband, hours spent crunching numbers, I put in my notice at work – with tears streaming down my face. This new “job” was so far away from my comfort zone of a career path. But, something in me said this was the right thing – and the right time.

Lessons learned in transition

It’s been nearly a year since I made that jump, and to I’ve learned way more than I could’ve imagined…especially about myself.

I have never felt more terrified to take a leap of faith. But, I am so grateful that I did because I would have never learned that:

1: My job title didn’t need to define me

I wore my hard-earned agency job title with pride. Senior Account Executive sounds fancy, right? But, when I suddenly didn’t have one (like, uhh what was I supposed to list on LinkedIn?), I realized that I had put myself in a box.

What if my future didn’t entail a traditional PR career at all (gasp!)? What if I now had the chance the write my next chapter and somehow pivot into unknown territory, like blogging full time?

After years of saying “I’m a PR pro,” I’m just starting to learn what I’m truly passionate about, and I’ve never felt so alive. Seriously.

2. It takes time to adjust

Not going to lie, it’s a beautiful thing to not have to rush around in the morning to get out the door. I remember that first day of being a SAHM. I was like Ricky Bobby in the movie Talladega Nights where he says, “I don’t know what to do with my hands.” Ha!

It was such unfamiliar territory to be forced to slow my pace.

Mornings – and days are slower around here now. But, sometimes slowing down is hard! When I worked, I was addicted to the go-go-go lifestyle that I had perceived as “success.” Shifting my mindset into being more still – sometimes by just watching Roman explore –  has been a serious, beautiful adjustment.

Now, I’m learning to pick up new habits to fuel my soul – and keep my sanity. I’m reading more, exercising more, and hungry to learn more about me – so I can be the best version of myself for my family.

3. People passed judgement

…and I doubted myself! I grew up with two parents who busted their butts (and continue to) in their jobs to provide for our family. They’ve always worked hard. And here I was, a college educated “career woman,” making a decision to leave a perfectly good job that people would line up for. Did it make sense? Was it really a feasible option?

In the first several months of staying home, only one person asked how I was doing in my new role at home. One. And to be honest, that hurt.

This was an enormous, heavy, risky decision, and I felt the judgement from some of my loved ones. And to be honest, I judged myself for this opportunity.

But, in order to grow, sometimes we have to make a leap of faith. I knew I had made the right decision when someone asked me, “Do you regret leaving your job?” My answer: a surprised, non-hesitant “no.”

4. I was on auto-pilot

Stepping away from the nine-to-five has given me a new perspective. The daily grind can force us into an automated routine where we fail to see beauty in what’s around us.

There were plenty of days where I would arrive at work or at home and not remember a single moment of the commute. I was on autopilot. Anyone else experience this? Um, scary!

Roman points at everything and acts surprised at every little thing around him. He will say, “wow!” with this excited expression while pointing at the most mundane thing….like a cup, a chair, or a car. I’m learning to see wonder in the world around me, just like he does.

5. I needed to lean more on God

Since leaving an office environment, I’ve found myself hungry for adult conversations some days. I FaceTime my mom most afternoons (sorry, mom ?), sometimes just because I need someone to talk to about nothing at all.

There are days at home where I lose my marbles on multiple occasions – puke, poop, pee and temper tantrums can do that!

But, I’ve learned that when I might feel alone or like I am failing as a mom, God is right there in the chaos. He guided me into this new “job,” and I’m starting to learn that maybe it’s because I needed more time with Him than I realized. He knows just what we need.

I’m trying to follow His will in this role, and I’m so grateful He’s allowed me to be called “Mom.”

Thinking of making the transition?

If you’re making a working mom vs SAHM decision, I feel you, mama. The ability to stay home is an amazing blessing, but it’s a heavy decision. And I realize not every mom has the choice – nor does every mom want to stay home. I hope this post is helpful if you’re at the crossroads of deciding what to do.

It’s a scary leap, especially for us career-minded women. But, I have yet to regret a second of taking this leap. If you’re struggling with this decision or have questions about what it’s really like to make such a transition, please comment below.

And if you’ve made the leap, share one thing you’ve learned in the comments! 

Best podcasts for moms (and mother hustlers)

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As moms, think of all the time we spend in the car, doing laundry, washing dishes, taking kiddos on walks around the neighborhood, and waiting in lines at the grocery store or at school pick-up.

Whether you’re a working mom, work from home mom, or a SAHM, there’s no doubt you spend a good amount of time doing at least some of these things. One of my favorite things to do during times that could otherwise be filled with pop songs I’ve heard 20 times or overplayed television commercials is to tune into one of my favorite podcasts.

This generally happens in the evenings while getting the house put back together after the daily toddler-pocalypse. P.S. Can someone explain how a tiny human can cause a daily mess that resembles a category 4 hurricane? Anyway..

And, as a mom, I’m always trying to use my time efficiently – and trying to stretch my soul and heart space in those little in-between moments. I’ve subscribed to a number of podcasts over the years, and subsequently unsubscribed to plenty that didn’t provide value to me.

If you’ve thought about trying out podcasts or want to refresh your current subscription list, here are my current go-to faves:

Best podcasts for moms

Mom Struggling Well
Overview: Emily Thomas, the voice of Mom Struggling Well, is a teacher turned RN, turned artist who is now a SAHM and podcaster. Emily always sounds so relatable and openly admits to her awkwardness – and the fact that the struggle of motherhood is real. She interviews some of the most interesting guests, including authors, ministry leaders, mothers of adoptive children, faith coaches and more!

Length: Episodes average about 40 to 75 minutes

Check out this episode: Episode #125: Closure is Complicated with Micah Maddox

God Centered Mom

Overview: Heather MacFadyen hosts The God Centered Mom Podcast and is the mom to four boys. Her weekly show includes interviews with guests such as parenting experts, motherhood mentors, authors and more.

Length: Most episodes are around 40 to 65 minutes

Check out this episode: Episode #192: Manage Your Life with Guilt-Free Confidence

Oprah’s Super Soul conversations
Overview: Oprah. Need I say more? I love listening to this podcast version of Oprah’s always insightful and inspirational SuperSoul Conversations, interviews with some of the most facinating people with incredible stories to tell. She’s interviewed spiritual leaders, transgender advocates, politicians, film producers and everyone in between. She starts every episode by saying, “I believe one of the most valuable gifts you can give yourself is time – taking time to be more fully present.” Preach it, Oprah!

Length: Most episodes are around 30 to 45 minutes

Check out this episode: Marie Forleo, Gabrielle Bernstein: Ways to Become More Spiritual (This is the YouTube link. If using your iPhone, search the “available episodes” on SuperSoul Conversations and look for this one that aired on Nov. 8, 2017)

The Lazy Genius
Overview: Kendra is the host of The Lazy Genius, and as the name indicates, she helps you “be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don’t.” Yes, please! As a wife and mom, she’s all about NOT doing it all, and her podcast gives you some really helpful life tips and hacks for things like cooking chicken, cleaning, time management and holidays.

Length: Episodes are around 20 minutes each.

Check out this episode: Episode #49: The Lazy Genius Home

The Next Right Thing
Overview: Emily P. Freeman is one of my favorite authors. I adore her work and her desire to “create space for your soul to breathe.” Emily is a Christian wife and mom and her voice alone will draw you in as she helps you navigate choosing The Next Right Thing. You might find it especially helpful if you’re in a season of your life where you feel unsure. Her thoughtful, deep, relatable storytelling always leaves me feeling encouraged and inspired. Bonus: Her show comes with a full transcript, so you can refer to the written version if you want to go back and re-read anything.

Length: All episodes are less than 20 minutes.

Check out this episode: Episode #24: Look for Arrows (Not Answers)

BONUS: For the mother hustler chasing those dreams

The Goal Digger Podcast with Jenna Kutcher

Overview: If you don’t know Jenna Kutcher, you NEED TO! She’s like the best friend you didn’t know you needed. And the woman is a business genius. Jenna started her million dollar empire with a crazy leap of faith by leaving her cozy, corporate job and jumping into photography with zero training. Since then, she’s created an incredible brand that is so inspiring, insightful and relatable. She’s a fantastic interviewer and has some really awesome women entrepreneurs on her show. LOVE her!

Length: Episodes are typically between 30 and 60 minutes

Check out this episode: Episode #166: 5 Trends I Found After Interviewing 100 Successful Women

The Quote of the Day Podcast with Sean Croxton

Overview: Sean has this ability to just get you pumped up for the day. He pulls snippets from powerful speeches as a short and sweet way to motivate and inspire. I often binge listen to his podcast, especially when I’m looking for that little boost for the day.

Length: Episodes are no more than 15 minutes each.

Check out this episode: Best Of: Lisa Nichols: “Quitters Never Win, Winners Never Quit.”

What are your favorite podcasts?

There you have it. I hope you’ll take a few moments for yourself this week and search your podcast app to find one or more of these shows, and that you’ll put in your earbuds or push your car bluetooth button and click play.

Your soul and (if you’re anything like me) go-go-go brain might need a little escape in the form of a story or inspired talk.

Now, I want to hear from you! What podcasts do you tune into? Tell me in the comments below.

Not today, Satan: How to respond to hateful comments on social media

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His message slid into my Instagram DMs like a knife in my heart.

“That’s one ugly baby.”

I re-read it, as if maybe reading it again would make it hurt less.

Perhaps it was spam, and the person’s account was hacked. But, when I read it over and over again, I realized it didn’t matter. Hate is hate, whether it comes from a bot, spammer, web troll, or just a mean-spirited stranger.

My instant response

I’m gonna be honest here: the first thing I did was shake with fury, and think about all the nasty things I could say to this person who was trying to inflict hurt on me. I thought of all the ways I could “put him in his place.” He looked like a teenager, so I wanted to tell him how immature he was, how he’s probably a little punk who has no friends.. and a whole host of profanity that I’ll keep to myself (you’re welcome).

You guys, I can get scrappy if I need to – haha! And being in Mama Bear Mode only amplifies that immediate rush to react in anger. And if you’ve read about my struggle with infertility, you know why I love my son so fiercely.

Take a deep breath

So, instead, I took a breath and turned to Google in hopes of finding some inspiration to cool my jets. After all, the Google machine knows all the things, right? Surely the Google-verse could inspire me to pull myself off the ledge of hitting send on a retaliatory reply.

My search: “How to respond to a hateful comment”

It yielded some good suggestions – and plenty of entertaining, but not appropriate responses.

So, I took another deep breath, channeled my inner PR gal and started off with a “thank you.” Take it from me, it’s the ultimate zinger, and gets them every time 🙂 Here’s how I responded: 

Hi, Thanks for your message. We haven’t met, but I’m sure you’re going through something right now that’s causing you to lash out by being hateful to others – even strangers, like me. I’ve learned that when people are rude, it’s often because of a personal struggle that they are facing. So, I don’t take your hateful comment personally. I hope you have a better day, one in which you can be kind and lift others up!

Boom. And then I blocked him, ha! I thought about not blocking him, but, I figure there’s no sense in back-and-forth discussion with this guy. He gets my point.

Don’t show them your “goat”

My amazing, God-loving grandmother always told me growing up about how to respond to haters, “They’re trying to get your goat, Whit,” she’d tell me. “Don’t show them where it is!” I love that woman. And I hear this advice in my head so often, especially because acting out in anger is a real stumbling block for me. Anyone else have a short fuse?

I’m sure this guy had expected me to respond in anger. That’s our first tendency, right? But, I started thinking about what this person’s life was like, behind his Instagram account profile. He was probably never taught to be compassionate. Maybe he grew up in an abusive home. Perhaps a parent had inflicted hurt so deeply in him that the only way he knows how to cope is through inflicting hurt on others. Just maybe, he needed someone to show him what compassion looks like.

Let’s think about our children

And then I started to think about what my son, Roman, would say if he were old enough to read my response. As a parent, I know it’s my job to lead by example. Though, admittedly, I fail daily in this department (as I said, fury gets the best of me sometimes!). If he were able to read, I hope he’d be proud of his mama.

That’s what moved my heart to not hit “send” with words of spite.

I believe that the way we talk to those around us – our kids, our spouses, our friends, and strangers, too – is a direct reflection of our heart condition. When Satan tries to slither in by speaking hateful words to us on social media, it’s our opportunity to showcase the reflection of our heart condition.

MLK, Jr. said it best: “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

May you choose light in the darkness today. Keep on shining, friend. And shake those haters off.